One of the hardest things I’ve always found as a Christian is the concept of surrender. Thinking back, if I’m honest with myself, this is the first year I have ever completely surrendered my heart to God. Sure, I gave him bits and piece, the desolate wrecks I just didn’t know what else to do with, the minuscule details, and the things I figured he could handle, but never my whole heart. I hesitated constantly. It’s hard being vulnerable; allowing yourself to be completely exposed and handing over the reigns to God, when part of you still wonders if he really can do a better job than you can by yourself. Yes, it’s hard, but it’s worth it. Where I once used him as a last resort, I am determined for God to  always be the first place I go when I am troubled. He is my rock and anchor; the light that guides me home and calms my spirit.

I am letting go of who I was.

"God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at her break of day,
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
He lifts his voice, the Earth melts."

Psalm 46:5-6.

"Strengthen the weak hands,
and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart,
‘Be strong; fear not!
Behold, your God
will come with vengeance,
with the recompense of God.
He will come and save you."

Isaiah 35:3-4

"I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people."

Vincent Van Gogh.

"Sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

Lewis Carroll.

Jesus, beyond all comprehension, you are worthy

And I am undeserving of your precious love

But still you lavish it upon me time and time again

Through all my faults, all waverings, all doubts, all insecurities,

You stay. You never leave my side. And you love me through it all.

Your love is beyond my comprehension,

I cannot wrap my mind around it, or grasp is concept or its infinite expanse.

As I grow weary in seeing the decline of the world,

You remind me of the good that still remains,

And the ardent love that still radiates abundantly from your heart.

Show me the ways of your heart, teach me your ways,

Teach me and guide me, mould my heart,

Change the depths of my soul, it’s stagnant unmoving waters,

And renew it in you. In your love, in your precious, unfailing love.

I am tired of this tiredness that never leaves my chest,

I am ready to be filled by you, entire.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

- How He Loves, David Crowder Band 

If this house had a front garden and a little balcony overhead, I would move in tomorrow!

Hindsight and Reverie.

I just had the most lovely day today. It was so perfect, it was surreal. It just felt like I was watching my day go by from behind a window - as if I were a bystander in my own life, looking on from the sidelines, watching as dozens of things fell into place. I cannot believe what God is doing in my life at the moment, and some of the things I feel so undeserving of, but nonetheless I feel so absolutely blessed that they are happening. God just keeps showing to me over and over, that he is able. He comes through for me every single time; whether it be in the exact way I was praying for, or a different way entirely, it ends up for the better. Looking for the silver lining is so important in life, and I have learnt this in the past year. It was definitely a lesson God was teaching me back then, so that I would be prepared in situations throughout the year that desperately called for a positive outlook and bucketloads of divine guidance. It’s been a humbling year, a changing year, and a real deepening and strengthening of my walk with God year. I hope I am a better person now than I was at the beginning of the year.

And goodness, I am so looking forward to the end of the school year!

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.

Deuteronomy 4:29

A girl at my school said today that you don’t have to be nice to everybody, just the people who are nice to you, because they’re the ones who are worth your time. I said nothing, just nodded and smiled, giving the impression that I respected her opinion, and from the bottom of my heart, I did. I’ve always said to myself “don’t hate the player, hate the game”, and this applied here perfectly. I did not agree with what she said at all, but I don’t hate her for it, not one little bit. She is not her words or her opinions; she is a person, and all people deserve love. It is her opinion that I dislike, not her. So I kept my mouth shut.

But inside, I was mad. Not at her, but at the statement. What has happened to our world that some of us, as believers, have come to the conclusion that ‘some people just aren’t worth saving’, that some people are ‘too far gone’ to be accepted into Christ’s arms? We are called to love. Not just insipid, passive love out of a sense of duty - it is better to not love at all if it is fruitless, devoid of true depth and meaning. This hardly warrants the title. No, we are called to love wholeheartedly, without bounds, selflessly. We are vessels of Christ, therefore should we not love as he loves? Love is not insipid and cautious, it is unswerving in devotion and passionate for justice. It is whole, entire, limitless. Bountiful and immeasurable. This is how Jesus loves, and this is how I want to love. 

Everybody deserves to be loved like they are a precious gem set in the crown of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Never, never, never is anyone ‘not worth our time’. 

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

2 Corinthians 4:18

"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well."

Ralph Waldo Emerson.